Your mother is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe.
When I told her she lost a shoe, she said, "No, I found one."
Your father is so poor, I saw him kicking a can down the street, and I asked
him, "What are you doing?" He said, "Moving."
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He alright now! --Fran Krischunas
question: What's Beethovan doing in his grave?
answer..: DECOMPOSING!!! --Fran Krischunas
Woman To A Friend: I'm on a seven day diet.
Friend: How much have you lost?
Women: So far three days.
"I've worked for 8 years, "an overworked employee said to her boss,
"and I've been doing the work of 3 people. I want a raise."
"I can't give you a raise," the boss answered. "But if you tell me
who the other 2 people are I'll fire them."
Three guys were standing before the Pearly Gates one evening.
St. Peter came and told them that the one with the best story could get
in tonight. The others would have to wait until later. The first guy said,
"I really don't know why I'm here. One day I thought my wife was having an affair.
I went home and there was a guy hanging on the window sill.
I started hitting his fingers with a hammer and he fell to the ground.
He didn't die so I picked up the refrig. and threw it out the window on top of him.
I had a heart attack and died". St Peter said, "That's pretty good".
The second guy then told St Peter his story. "I was working on a ladies
roof one day and I slipped and fell. I caught hold of a window sill and the
next thing I knew some bozo was hitting me on my fingers with a hammer.
I fell and started to get up when I looked up and saw a refrig. falling on me.
It crushed me and I died". St Peter said, "That's pretty good".
The third stood and said, "I don't know what happened. I was making
love to this lady and she yelled, "My husband is home". I jumped up
and hid in the refrig. and the next thing I knew I'm here".
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming, and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?
His butt.
Whats the hardest six years of a blonde's life?
Third grade.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
Oh look, doughnut seeds!
Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks!
The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it.
Two hours later they were both killed by a train.
A husband and wife entered the dentists office. The wife said, "I want
a tooth pulled and I don't want any gas or Novocaine because I'm in a
big hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
Your a very brave woman the dentist said. Now show me which tooth
it is. The wife turned to her husband and said, "open your mouth
dear and show the dentist which tooth it is."
How do you know its that time of month for an elephant?
There's a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. --Roxanne
Subject: FW: Don't bungee jump in Mexico
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San
Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they
got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody
was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate
it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and
fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke
noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed
that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke
noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke
pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned,
"I don't know, but what's a pinata?? -- got this one from Brian McMullen
One Liners
Woman like the simplest things in life... men.
They've found something that does the work of 5 men .... 1 woman.
Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks the Slowest.
I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
Your family is so poor, your TV only has two channels - on and off.
My car is so old, they stole the club and left the car.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
He who dies with the most toys, still dies. --Kimo's Rules
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. --Sonja Monsen
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
A procrastinators work is never done.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
The lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine. --Bill Wright
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought:
"Where the hell is the ceiling?!" --Bill Graham
I get plenty of exercise by jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
You always get the last word if you argue alone.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. --James T. Hammond
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Meetings, the practical alternative to work.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
If at first you don't succeed - YOU DID IT WRONG! --David M. Kigore
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I thank God very morning that I'm an atheist.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
Baby philosophy - if it stinks, change it.
Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Oprah.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
When all is said and done, more is usually said than done.
It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research". --R. P. Bergman
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
I am not a perfectionist! (My parents were).
Funny Quotes
"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because
they're looking for ideas." -- Paula Pundstone
"Scientists announced today that they have found a cure for apathy. However they
claim that no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it." -- George Carlin
"Fear is being stuck in heavy traffic after you just had 2 cups of coffee
and a bran muffin." -- John Mendoza
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's picture on salad dressing
and spaghetti sauce... I thought he was missing." -- Bob Saget
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields,
(during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign)
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe" -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"The internet is a great way to get on the net" -Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"It is bad luck to be superstitious"
-Andrew Mathis
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
Things adults learn from kids
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate
a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says
they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak
- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect) .
